Where You Want to Look

If you want to look for truth, here I refer to a specific person, you want to look for it at places where I have marked as “True Lies.”

I have hidden it under broad daylight. No one will expect to find it there.

You cannot find yourself in my dissertation. That is my academic work. It is suitable for kings, emperors, and queens, the genuine ones, not the faked ones who steal other people’s identity or status.

Personal things shall belong to the personal sphere.

I must have deliberately chosen to hide my identity when I told my parents are from the countryside.

Maybe subconsciously I wanted to avoid being caught. If I were given two choices, one choice is freedom and power; the other choice is love and family. I think I will choose the first.

Maybe that is the reason why I always feel strangely about this city. I was out of it for only one day, but it felt so strange when I came back at dusk. I feel as if I have never been here. But the factual truth is I have studied and worked here for more than eight calendar years!

I think I am destined to go away.

I think I am destined for another city.

I don’t think I can change that. And I don’t think anybody else can change that, either, try as they may. So many people have tried. They want to believe they can achieve their goal.

We don’t know yet.

So the secret is finally revealed.

I have not publicized my identity. It is not that I have deliberately hidden it. It is there. I just did not stress it, as many might have stressed theirs, to others.

I must have taken great care not to tell how good my dissertation is. For one thing, many might get jealous. For another, many would come in to steal. Stolen it is even without me telling it is very good.

I have also take great care not to tell where I want to go. This, I think, if out of my hands. Maybe a place has already been set for me. All I need is to go there when the time is ripe. Right now the time is not ripe yet. I only need to wait.

At the end of this current road, there is another one. Anggun sings, “Dreams are made to be erased,” in her song Look into Yourself.

I have already erased my former dream of love and marriage associated with this small city.

It was never recognized even appreciated and thrown away anyway.

Do I regret it? No. I know the full story, all the nook and cranny behind it all.

Many would think me rather careless or maybe ignorant or too unknowing based on what they see what I have shown. I know everything behind my unknowing face.

I am having my new dream.

No one is stopping me.  Absolutely no one!

You do not know I have been saying Good-bye for four years! I am not under illusions.

Oh, by the way, the value of my present is not just twenty dollars. It is not made of a worthless stone valued at most at twenty dollars. It cost me one hundred fifty dollars. That is its true value.

That is a little bit more expensive than a pair of earrings priced at 50 dollars a pair but they are really only worth five dollars or seven dollars.

Money is not the most important thing, but it is a good measure to gauge where you stand in one person’s list. If they think money is the most important thing that they use how much money, directly or indirectly, they channel to you as a sign showing your relative importance or lack thereof, I am repossessing all my money that they “took away” from me.

This “taking away” of course is an euphemism. It is in fact criminal theft.

I expect to get back all my money. I am not giving away even five percent, ten percent, or any percent.

It is all my money! The monetary wealth is generated by the knowledge I have created with my intellectual work and with my writing with my understanding about life and everything. So, it is money. Those monetary wealth bears my name!

All Rights Reserved. Xianfeng Mou. November 14, 2010.


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