Things I Have Never Said

Lots of those around with malicious or not-so-good intentions are curious about is regarding my marriage situation. I do not think it is still necessary to tell, but the fascism in our life makes it necessary to tell after all.

My divorce agreement was signed and completed by the last party on May 9, 2007. The court decision was made in the home country. When I received the document, it was around December 2007.

Many are conjecturing about my status. Though I do not have to satisfy their rumoring urge, it might not hurt for them to know.

The reason for the divorce has been very simply. It is no longer valid to maintain it. That is all.

A divorce means an ending of one relationship. Sometimes it also might mean the start of another marriage-tending relationship.

The second half, however, has not happened. I have had the document in my hands for three years without making the crucial next step.

I kept looking and looking and decided I do not like what I have been given so far.

Too many reasons and factors have been factored into the trajectory of how things developed. None of them has appealed to me.

No matter which choice offered, they are all too little and too late.

A few reasons I can list here:

1) Some say if a man is not available, do not touch him. I follow this piece of precious advice. I have my divorce decree in my hand for three years without showing it to anybody. It is because there is no reason to show it. Something is not progressing towards what I want, so there is no need to use the document. The man did not show me his divorce decree, so there is no reason for me to show mine.

2) Some say if a man does not respect you, do not go forward. This is extremely important. A man who really loves and cherishes a woman will not take every opportunity to persecute her. There is no respect, there is no genuine relationship. Comparing him with other men, and you will see the difference. It does not matter which man is richer, more powerful, or more successful, or since this is America, more sexy to women. Besides, how sexy can a man in his fifties to women? No wonder it is money that is the focus.

3) If a man is intent on “getting a woman” and uses all kinds of tricks, there is more reason not to go forward. It does not matter how things “appear” to others. Some women, whom  I suspect have been instructed to steal into my place and wear my clothes, might be used to “cow” me into submission. The fact that many women have worn my clothes and gone out with either the man or other men (I do not know) does not change the fact that I did not go out with men to be their “women on the side.” To be a woman on the side is not my life goal. If, for a moment, some men and women think that is my goal, I think their limited minds have too far a distance to go.

I hope it is not the intended goal. Even though it is, I do not regret the fact that I have had a divorce. I was dissatisfied with the previous marriage, for the man could not keep up with me. I do not wait for life. I go where I want to go, in search of some better place, some better people.

4) You have to know what you want out of life. My goal is not to teach the Chinese language in the United States. Therefore, I am not taking that kind of positions. Someone’s today might be my tomorrow, doing nothing feeling miserable preoccupied with making other people’s life miserable. Since I do not like teaching the Chinese language, I have worked my head off to be qualified for other positions. If a man who you think you love takes away all opportunities and your career assets, you know whether he is the one you shall pick or not.

5) Without trust and respect, nothing else exists. A man who rules with an iron-hand exerts too much toll on a woman. There is no point to be controlled like that. There is a woman on TV being tried for killing her husband of 25 years. She turned out to be an abused woman suffering from chronic domestic violence. Emotional and psychological abuse does not leave obvious scars, but it is extremely hard, if not impossible, for a woman to break away from. To avoid becoming such tragic women, it is better not to go into an abusive relationship, right from the very start.

I trust my hunch. It has helped me tremendously over the years. Those that have vicious intentions towards me, no matter how deep they have hid themselves, will surface after two or three years. Those that have misunderstood me, come to know the truth, though it might be too late for them. Those who treat me as a decent person, will also surface suggesting that is not a decent way to treat a decent person like that.

There is always a way to know what really has happened.

I have loved somebody, but it has never been recognized, so I decide to put it down and go. You cannot wait for someone to grow up, as is with the first, as is with this case.

The one thing I cannot stand in life is betrayal. It is not right I present you with a golden scarf while you give me cursed handcraft in return. It is not right I present you with a good heart while you hand me spiteful spleen in return. It is not right I help you with ideas and writings and you hand me slander and digging my dissertation corners in return. It is not right I give you love while you hand me hatred in return.

Life is about expansion. When your life is constricted or has been constricted, it is sign to get out, by all means. You do not want to get out, you know what will come by and by. I do not like so many people copying free rides on my back. I do not have that kind of strength.

Man proposes, god disposes. You never know what will happen tomorrow.

Now the busybodies can rest in peace.


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