Why Being Upset Is Totally Groundless

I do not understand why someone is upset with me.

The original intention as I was told in plain English was, “it was a flirting thing.”

It so happened I never flirt in my life. Some men and some women, many men and many women do engaged in that activity. But I maybe an only exception.

My former classmates, if their hearts are still in their right place, all knew they never play April jokes on me. They played it with everybody else, but not me.

Since it was intended as flirting business while I mistakenly took it to be a serious endeavor, (that is the reason I had a divorce, which inadvertantly also provided lots of entertainment), why in the cosmos should the party be upset?

I am not the ultimate goal of that life, which is heading towards some bigger and higher goals of success, such as more fame, more wealth, and more power.

I provided support when support was demanded; provided love when it was demanded, no matter how contaminated teh word has become; loyalty when loyalty was demanded; rich academic returns when those were demanded; research money when it was needed; even women for diversion when all women coming close to me were picked; and what else?

I did everything that was asked. All I was promised was empty words. So far I haven’t seen one iota of real action. What is the point of being upset?

It is only that through the process I learned the truth and stopped waiting for it. When the curtain was lowering, I did not have the intention to going there and putting up a happy face. There are many happy and satisfied faces already. Or when the car is departing, I am not the one running after it. What is the use? That life does not have the intention of bringing me along, why should I run after the car?

I am just a diversion and a nice diversion I have provided. I do not owe that life anything. But the part that everybody else should know is that party has taken everything that belongs to me.

I do not see that party getting a divorce or experiencing the list of stresses I have experienced. What in the cosmos do they have the right to be upset?

You always get what you want. Therefore, what you’ve got is what you have wanted. There is nothing wrong on that.

I haven’t got what I want. That is why I need to continue to search.

Besides, wasn’t agreed in the first place? After so many trials and errors, a lifetime is enough for a man to decide what he really wants, and what he really does not want.

Things are contantly changing. What I originally wanted and fought for, God knows I put my own life out there, has changed its nature and later I do not want it anymore. It has already lost what I originally saw in it. The good part has departed and what remained tasted very sour and bitter and even toxic. It has changed too much for me to like it.

The other party thought it got exactly what was desired. Though during the short duration of three for four years, what was perfect turned out to be not so perfect after all. It was a mere facade, imitated from another source. When it uttered some witty remarks, they turned out to be parrot talk from other people. But this is the culture, or the cultural condition we are living in. If you are satisfied with it, then you stick with it. Every choice has consequences.

I have lived with all the consequences as a result of the other party’s choices. I must now make my own choices.

That is why the only woman I admire in the entire world is the wife of a young Chinese faculty once in the community. Given the choice of coming here and staying with her husband and another university on the eastern coast, she decided to take other university. Whether that is a better choice or not, I do not know. People say it is better than the program in this community. I admire her immensely because she uses her own brain and she sticks to her own existence. Therefore, her husband followed her and moved east.

I have told many of those I knew that I really admire her. I admire her without any reservation. That is the example I will emulate. My mistake was I used to follow a man. They all turn out not being able to step up onto the plate. And a result, I suffer tremendously due to their lousy choices.

As far as I know, the wife is very capable in her academics, too. I haven’t heard of the husband trying his best to beat his wife down so that he can be the big man in the house.

To make one mistake in life is forgivable. To make the similar mistake twice is not.

Therefore, I have to go to places that I like. I do not care somebody is not happy. I have to make myself happy first. Why in the cosmos does a man think  I have to sacrifice my happiness so that he can be happy? It would be better for him to get lost.

I am not happy. That is why I am leaving. If they want change, I am afraid it is too little too late. I do not care about it anymore.

I have walked through the valley of death. And my life does not belong to anybody else except myself.


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