One Sentence Stands Out

Overheard one sentence last night.

Can’t understand it. So I am jotting it down.

It says ancient Egyptians placed female figurines that do not have feet with the dead to wish for fertilities in the afterlife. This practice is probably reserved for the powerful.

They have their feet cut off because when the women leave, they will not take their fertilities away with them.

I had such a weird dream in 2006. I dreamt that a teenage girl’s two feet were cut away. I saw blood everywhere, it was even on her forehead. I was crying over her, as if she were myself.

Now just now I even got her name. It was something like Li Xiaorong or Xiaorong Li according to the spelling here.

At that time I attempted to go and find help for her from the only person that I thought I was close to. But that person was nowhere to be found.

It  would always be like this. I could seldom find that person whenever it was in times of urgent need.

I know the Chinese man I left is dead, spiritually speaking. I made the right decision then. I know the Chinese woman whom I once worked under is also dead. Those two spiritual facts appear clearly in my visions. So I know I was telling the truth.

But the question is who cut off that girl’s feet? Consequently who has been cutting me into a female figurine to keep my fertilities here so that I won’t be able to go anywhere?

I have been living like a prisoner here.

I know I left the Chinese, supposedly for an American, since I thought I loved him.

But the puzzle is the American said no. He did not need love, life, or marriage, or a child. I want marriage and I want to have a child.

Lots of developments after that. Then some other dead Chinese began to associate with the American. By now, he does not have much of his original life, or vitality left in him. In my opinion, he might have had associated with the wrong Chinese for too long.

I still do not know who cut off my feet, and who is turning me into a prisoner. My immediate answer is the Chinese did. Right now after three years, the answer is showing again. I made the right decision of leaving the Chinese in 2006.

It took me at least two years.

Since the American does not need me, I guess my only option is to go away. He thinks he is having a perfect life and I absolutely have no reason to come here and give him a heartbreak.

In fact, he has been furious over that fact.

Refusal is part of life. It does not even matter what you bring. Even if you bring life and love, people do not need it then it is totally useless and worthless, though you yourself think it is priceless.

But then there are mixing messages.

The weirdest thing is the American would also indicate interest. There are both possibility and impossibility included. So I do not know how to proceed. I know what is in my heart, that is for sure. But the main question he has been asking is what I want? All of his money? A green card? A job? Some publications? or just pure sex? I told him the truth, which of course he does not believe in. I should love somebody approximately my age. The age difference is fairly remarkable. No matter how you look at it, it does not promise possibility. No wonder he does not believe. Most probably, Americans also view sex as necessary as daily food. I see it as something sacred.

Anyway there are cultural differences. When I can see the spiritual differences, I am pretty much inclined towards the Western view. I even write better in English than in Chinese.

I understand lots of things that many would not think I understand.

Now the crux of the problem is why on earth did the American bring the Chinese over? Did they make certain deals or the Chinese had made life very difficult for the American? or did the American want to prove his innocence?

I did not care what deals they made between them. Maybe the Chinese signed the divorce papers so that he got the promise of getting into America and had a good life this land has been promising to many, provided he could fix his language problem.

But the crux of the problem for me is since I left one but the other does not intend to receive, I have no choice but to suck it all up. I’ll see whether I can find a third one.

But right now. I am too busy. I must go and find myself a job, during this tough job situations.

Therefore, I do not like working under the American who seems to be interested in using that as a hook to keep me here. I wonder whether he is more interested in using emotional tools to subdue all the women he comes into contact with. Then they would become his loyal slaves. I am  not at all interested in taking him as a boss. I can find other better bosses in other places who might appreciate me much more than I have got here.

Therefore it looks like I am in a bad fix, out of the fire into the frying pan, literally and metaphorically.

I hate it when men do that.

I can love somebody. If that is unfortunate, I can stop that.

I have been subjected to all kinds of weird things between 2006 and now.

I must go and get myself a job in a new place, a third country ideally. Then perhaps I will find myself a new husband. I do not like to be subjected to monitoring 24/7.

I left the Chinese. But I am not happy in the States. Can I go to a third country, not in the Middle East but somewhere in the West? I am not interested in the Middle East. That place is too dry, according to my scanty geographical knowledge.

For me, it is always easier to leave but never that easy to arrive. Maybe I will always be on the road. I had thought I had found the man but apparently the man is not in the right place. Therefore I was wrong.

Do you know where you will end up and stop your searching?

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