What Have You Been Waiting For

All these years, all you have been waiting for is a simple pronoun”we?”

I have always used that pronoun, if not explicitly, then implicitly.

Of course it meant you and I. The two have to finish lots of things together.

Did not people choose to jump out of that “we” in the middle of the journey?

A woman who uses “we” too early signals she might be too presumptuous. Plus she might have the desire to control your life. Somewhere someone says.

I am not too presumptuous. I certainly do not have the desire to control anybody’s life. I will control when they hand it to me, provided I agree first.

It seems someone’s life has been quite out of shape and hectic.

Every man and woman has to manage and make their own life. If a man who can manage his own life meets a woman who can manage her own life, the two might want to combine and make life much better. That might be a good choice.

A woman who can manage her own life does not want a man who cannot manage his own life. I am a woman. I know I do not.

A woman cannot carry a man through his entire life, even if that woman is a top executive at a big firm, a power woman.

When she is tired fighting it out in the jungle, she may needs more than a glass of wine or a glass of hot water from a man. He must be able to offer help and advice to better prepare her for the next day, the next month, etc, etc.

A powerful man might be different. I am not a man so I won’t see much on the topic. Maybe some men are so powerful they only want a wife to hand them a glass of wine, a well-prepared dinner, a well-managed, spotless home, which is his castle, well brought up children. And that would be enough. He takes care of all that is outside of home.

They want absolute submission and worship from their wives. They might want to consult opinions.  I do not know.

Well, I have sticked out my neck for somebody else. I think I have done enough. The message and treatment I get I am not satisfied with.

I am hugely dissatisfied. I do not want to work 15 to 16 hours a day at five, six, seven years straight. I felt like a spring pressed too hard and then stretched too hard and now the spring had stopped functioning.

Give me your liberty, and you are tired, and you are hungry, then you will be free. Isn’t this carved on the statue of liberty? I still cannot understand it, till this very day?

Does not it symbolize liberty? Doesn’t mean I will have more liberty than I used to have?

If it means I have give away my liberty so as to be not tired, and not hungry, where is my liberty? Right now, my liberty is much, much less before I set foot on this soil. This is one liberty I was given but I did not embrace. That is sexual liberty.

Somebody should enlighten me what that really means. Or does it mean I have to hand my liberty to a God or a Goddess?

I know I have been created, that is for sure. I have been given a very fine soul. I am very thankful for being well created. I have a very good heart, too. An exceptional one. In fact.

Please do not get jealous. Others cannot be jealous of God. If they are dissatisfied with their soul or their heart, they can only appeal to God. I have no part in that. HE will tell them why they are created the way it is. And most probably they are responsible for that result.

You have been loved. You have been saved by grace.


Had a very strange dream.

It seems a man has a skin infection or disease. His skin has red dots, and the dots hardened in some places, on his back.

He took a medical apparatus and got rid of those red spots.

I do not know what those red spots are. But I am sure they won’t make one feel comfortable. Someone once infected my cashmere sweater with perhaps that virus. Maybe some women stole my sweater and wore it. Anyway when I wore it, it give me a terrible sore, and that sore harmed the nerve system. It made me feeling miserable for two weeks. When I moved my neck and head, it hurt terribly.

I wanted to burn that sweater, although it is the best one I have. I did not know what it was. I told my students someone put poison ivy on the sweater.

Later I washed it, and it was clean again. Detergent can get rid of poison ivy.

The red spots I see in my dream might be one kind of STD. I do not want it. One reason I do not sleep around is I want to have a child someday. I do not want to get any disease and makes me unable to have a child.

Once I find the man I love and if he can marry me, I want my child.


Another part of the strange dream. I saw a few fish. Someone caught them I guess. But within the belly of one big fish I found the tail of another fish. The big fish swallowed and digested most part of another fish slightly smaller than itself.

Only a tail was left.

Another fish swallowed a dried fish. That was strange. No live fish eats dried fish. That is weird.

There are five or six fished around.

I was calling to my mother. Look, look, I showed her the fish tail in the belly of the biggest fish. That fish gorged itself so that its belly was protruding. It was too greedy. I guess, so it died.

An African American man was working on his computer. These two do not connect, but they appeared at the same time.


The principle of the jungle at sea is the big fish eats smaller fish; smaller fish eats other smaller fish; the smallest fish eats shrimp; shrimps eat sand or tiny organisms.

Lots of people want to eat me. I am a small fish. I wish I am not a fish. I should be a bird. Then there are eagles and hawks. But those mainly hunt for rabbits. A bird does not make much of a dinner. Hope I will be spared. Hope somebody will not take me to be a deer and decide a deer will make a good dinner.

Anyway, I have brought only good luck to somebody. Hope I will be spared.

But I have no protection. For many years, I always dreamt of walking on bare feet, and there are thorns everywhere, ice everywhere, too.

I do not like my life here.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: