Aftereffect of Writing a 450-page Dissertation

The long term aftereffect of writing a 450-page dissertation is you no longer want to write anymore serious writing again in your entire life after that.

I wonder whether that is a calculated, premeditated goal.

The short term or immediate aftereffect of writing a 450-page dissertation is you hereby have lost your ability to enjoy a simple life.

Since every day you have been doing nothing but think like an artist, sometimes you must think like a superb artist, it is a very demanding job.

Every one in college know you never write one paper in one draft and whola it will be perfect on your first try.

You have to write seven times to reach that enviable stage when your professor will finally nod like God and say now you can put that down. But you haven’t done enough yet. Now your task is to shorten them into articles and a book someday.

I have a strange feeling as if I was that unfortunate man in Greek mythology who is destined to push a big boulder uphill. Every time he succeeds, the boulder will fall downhill again, so he has to push it uphill again.

Many people use this to signal the meaning of human life.

I am not a philosopher. I do not think complicated thoughts or ideas. What thoughts and ideas I have had so far happen in life only. Even if sometimes one or two writers will touch upon spiritual affairs, they are not that difficult to comprehend.

But I do think one accomplishes something in one’s life. Of course, in an eternal God’s eyes, one life time is too short it is almost negligible.

But then historical events happen in life times. So one cannot look at life so lightly and say I must enjoy life to the full for I do not even know tomorrow I will be alive or not.

I have observed people. Those who have had relatives or friends died very young tend to coast through life. They do not want to make any efforts to accomplish something. They belong to the group who tend to meet the minimum requirement.

Another reason that influence these people to think this way is they tend to have illness, maybe chronic illness. I am not that quite sure.

That is why nowadays people say your health is your true wealth, especially to senior people.

I think whether one is healthy or not really influences one’s outlook on life very deeply.

That is the reason I like healthy people. I am healthy. I do not have any disease. Do people hold grievance against me because I am healthy?

That is being unreasonable. The fact that others are not healthy has nothing to do with me.

I wonder whether those not so healthy like to swarm together and exclude me for being healthy.

One day I saw a long list of line camping outside of a university building.  A note said it is for Lady Gaga.

I thought it was for a famous show. Upon inquiry, found it was for a concert.

Found the online sneak preview. It is called “Bad Romance.”

It will be a good experience for a live performance.

But I do not appreciate one line in the song: Lady Gaga sings I want your disease, I want your love. As long as it is free. As long as you are mine, I do not care you are a criminal.

Now she is not being truthful. There is nothing that is free.

Everything costs. And costs a lot. Only different things costs different things.

Aren’t big bad boys bidding for her in the video? I know absolutely nothing about the artist Lady Gaga. I am completely ignorant. Please excuse me if I say something inappropriate. She is ideally beautiful according to popular standards, especially her figure. Tall, blonde, slim.

She would be in many men’s dreams. I bet she has many fans.

I only want to say one thing about her line “I want your disease, too.” That is one thing I do not want from anybody, especially from a man.

I am not a brave woman. I am terribly afraid of diseases. For a time, I think I should demand a man to present certificates from three independent physicians testifying he is healthy before I can consider relationships.

Here I can let out a little secret, indirectly.

I do not want to get infections or diseases from men. Every woman wants a healthy man.

I seldom like the thing that many Americans take as the most important thing in their life, sex.

For me, everything has to be what I want. I am extremely picky with the environment. According to tradition, I should have a reception to show my hospitality to everyone before I graduate. It is like an unwritten rule.

Having a reception in that place? I dislike the apartment myself. How should I be expected to hold a general reception in the place when I myself dislike it? For a time, I spent 1,000 dollars trying to beautify it. But I still dislike it. I only took it as a temporary place where I put my tired body every day. I never regard it as “home.”

I am not stingy. But I definitely do not like to receive guests in that place. I received quite a few travelers in my places, for sure. For once, I even cooked for a guest who came in to defend her dissertation. She was thankful and brought back a pair of shoes after her trip to China. Many other travelers have sought shelter under my roof. But it is also that habit of mine that brought me my biggest setback in life.

A couple came into town and temporarily stayed in my place, using my password to my university computer account to get online.

After that my life was completely wrecked. It turned out to be part of a collective scheme to destroy my life.

One piece of advice I am going to give my best friend, if she ever comes out for visits or whatnot, is not to trust the Chinese easily. Often it is the Chinese who harmed the Chinese the most, when in other countries.

But no one told me this before I came out. I had to learn this myself, the hard way.

Back to my topic.

I am fairly happy I do not have to deal with possibilities of infections, pregnancies, and all those kind of things.

A woman’s life is too complicated, both biologically and socially. Men really get things going easy for them.

In my next life, I wish to be born a man instead. Then I can go anywhere I want. And I do not need to be told I do not behave like a typical woman. I do not have those feminine virtues of being coquettish, or being cute. Neither do I know what actually appeals to a man.

I am rather direct when dealing with people. I ask them to deal with me squarely like a man to a man, putting everything down on the table. Women tend to use under-the-table policies, backdoor or side-door strategies. I really do not even have an inkling of what it is and how to carry it out. How come all those women know one man likes certain things? It is quite a mystery to me.

But, to return to the subject, I am giving what is beyond expectations.

But then it is really not right to forget me when people are in great shape, remember me when people are in tight places. I am not a god who can always be relied upon to rescue someone when they fell into a trap, when they need projects, proposals, research grants,  class materials, and papers to publish.

To sum up, I am not a cash cow, once you shake, money will be falling down. Even if I am a cash cow, I do not like you to shake me. I would prefer to keep my cash to myself, whether you mind it or not.

Nothing stays forever, even when you are sure it will last forever, or at least can depend on fit orever.

When I give, that is because I am willing. When I am no longer willing to give, and others design elaborate ways to take, it is called stealing. That is a very ugly word, but that is the exact word for it.

Also remember no one can keep on giving forever. Welty says an artist does that, but Wang Anyi has something to add onto that point.

Wang Anyi has written a lot, in terms of millions of characters she has published.

But the reason for her prolific writing is she says she is too lonely. So she writes stories and put them out there so that others can share some of her loneliness. In that way, she might not be so lonely again.

I am sure Welty felt very lonely, too. Many writers are lonely souls.

Then wise people say loneliness is the eternal human condition. When human beings are created, God already sees humans are lonely.

Then one African minister believes God is lonely, too. That is why God creates the human world in the first place, to have some fellowships. Fellowships means companionship. Now today fellowships in colleges and universities may have lost this sense of original meaning. Today’s fellowships are merely regarded as monetary gains to be vied for with any means possible.

If fellowships means companionship, should not I get the highest fellowship ever issued here in the university, or let me lower my expectations a little bit, at least those that the man can influence?

As far as I know, fellowship is given to someone that is directly opposite to that man, but pretending to be his companion.

I am very fortunate and unfortunate at the same time. I am very fortunate in the sense that I thought I had finally found a companionship. After a timeless period, someone finally acknowledged, as a sideward glance, that I might be alas their soulmate.

I am also very unfortunate because this is not doing me any good. It has brought me nothing positive except back-breaking labor and endless soul-tiring work, and shame.

I suspect the term is invented to continue to keep me here. I do not like this harsh existence I have had here. I have never had such a harsh existence before. I have already told this at other places.

I have even stopped being angry now. All I want now is to make my own decisions. The man can never make a decision. And whenever he makes a decision, it is a very bad decision for me. Therefore I absolutely insist on making my own decisions. I have always done that before 2002. My life was much better when I had it in my own hands, plus allowing providence to work.

I am definitely not putting my life in a man’s hands. The first example has already proven incompetent. As to the second, perhaps the fact he has always been competent is working against me. I do not want to do the things he wants me to do. For one thing, a regional campus of this university hardly appeals to me.

I am definitely not going there. A new place means a new place I like. Therefore, please do not tell we are not letting her go.

I am definitely not teaching the language as my profession. I have declared time and again I was not born to teach the language. That is a condemned job, no matter how beautifully others paint it. I would not swear an oath and offend any deity. But I definitely am not teaching the language as my lifelong profession.

I know almost all Chinese teach the language. I would even choose to go outside the country than staying here only teaching the language, not even when someone is willing to pay high money.

The only situation I will teach the language is it is only a very small part of the entire package of my responsibilities. If I have freedom to do what I want when teaching the language.

Fact is this wheel has not got any oil for a very long time. Pretty soon, I will give up running. Wonder whether that will make people immensely happy? My enemies will be extremely happy. Finally they will be able to dance over my grave. They think. As long as you like a job, it is ok. If you do not like it, do not choose it.

Some authority tells me I pretty much cut out lots of opportunities when I refuse to teach the Chinese language. Of course I know that. I might be cutting off 95% of what few job opportunities out there by refusing to teach the Chinese language. I will only compete for the rest of the 5%. I would even choose to go back to teach literature than to stay and teach the language.

The bottom line is I do not consider this life so fabulous and enviable. Just now I was thinking if I think my life is fabulous, I would bring my best friend out. Since I consider my life is not what I like, I tell her honestly. Lots of things she could not even comprehend. Some woman who desperately wants to stay in the United States with a green card and some amount of dollars, took my professional woolen suits and wore them dirty beyond my consideration, threadbare while I was not noticing. My friend asked, “Is it really so? I thought you were talking metaphorically, that they took your academic honors that were due you.” In this case, it is both: both my woolen suits and my professional honor.

High time to move on.

As I have always said, there is always a limit to everything. Even to someone’s own self-destructive behavior, or to narcissism.

There is also a limit to love. I do not wish to burn anyone to ashes, not even myself.

Someone thought I already did.

Not a bad idea to go see the world, now I have matured a little bit.


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