Dialogue in Paradise

Q: What did you say in the “Virgin Egg?”

A: I have told you so already.

Q: Fortunately I have not met your expectations. Your story is a cautionary tale.

A: I have underestimated a few. But I am really happy for my mistake.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Had a weird dream. Saw my undergrad classmate. She was pursuing phd in Canada, last time I knew.

I had grieved over my writing of the dissertation. But it was 482 pages, although one chapter was rewritten seven times, every time it was major complete revision. Another long chapter went through four drafts, each time it was an overhaul. The rest did not stand out as much.

Turned out she fared even worse than I did. Hers was around 1,000 pages, completely rewritten twice. Right now it has a thin edition for sale. The price tag is 6 dollars.

I also saw many dissertations, thin or thick, with or without gilded letters on the covers.

I know my dissertation has also been printed out. Maybe there once was a lawsuit over my dissertation, if I was not wrong. A few Chinese around me planned to take it for themselves. It was a merely private act. They simply wanted to take it for themselves so they did not need to write themselves. That is all. A female lawyer settled the case, and got a thick gold necklace for her reward, perhaps along with other things.

What did I get? Nothing.

That is the only book I write in my life. Other translated books are different. They are all on light subjects. And they were fun to do.

The dissertation has taken my entire life away.

Now I really sympathize with writers who had gone unappreciated. Not counting the time I did the research, the actual writing was three years. But then I had incorporated my work in previous semesters into it, so there was really no clear-cut demarcations signaling this was the start date, and that was the ending date.

In a sense, it was about my entire life. One always has to rise up against the environment, if any change is going to happen at all.

My dissertation was printed out in two volumes, in dark blue or black covers. I do not know its price tag. I was not even sure my name was printed there.

It may very well be the Chinese wanted to steal it for themselves. The non-Chinese fought for the reason of business and profits, not on account of any other reasons.

My goal of pursuing this phd is to write my own book. Now I have written it. I have no regret.

A few other things happened along the way. I am surprised I have  actually arrived at this day.

My next goal is to find a quiet place and spend the rest of my life in peace. I do not want to be disturbed.

I do not want to write anymore books, nor do I want to teach anymore students.

I do not want to live in the United States. I do not like my life here. Six out of 7.5 years were too much work, too little life.

Now that the various storms have settled or are being settled, I will clear up the records, set the story straight, and then head out.

It does not matter what others believed in and acted accordingly, or what I believed in or acted accordingly. The results remained the same.

I have taught a few things along the way. I have also learned a few things along the way.

I am simply tired and do not wish to be disturbed in any manner.

Seemed like a Korean student I once taught sold me out, too. Most gave false testimony. They believed if there were enough persons to say who acted in what fashion frequently enough, even the widest fabrications would become a fact. Those were gossip mongers and rumor mongers. Wang Anyi remarks that gossiping is the cultural spirit of China’s largest city.

I do not know what reward he got, but I smashed the class DVD over his head.

I had protected another Korean girl in the same classroom, who was falsely accused of looking at her textbook during tests.

During one test, I stood near her. She did not consult her textbook, and her test result stood at the same level as her previous scores.

If she flunked this time while I watched her, then I could conclude she looked at her textbook during previous tests.

That entire language program needs to be wiped out to clean up that place. It seems to me.

I wonder whether that place could be cleaned. No more my former stupidity. Why should I stick out my head for somebody else? And they were doing that kind of things!!! It is too laughable, unbearably so. I could not forgive myself for having acted that stupidly. I still cannot.

Now I really do not know whom to believe in and whom not to believe in. I guess I am not as naive as before. No more rosy glasses. It is good to be on guard. Unless they prove themselves on particular issues, do not assume.

I just need to take care of myself. That is all.

You can chop off my feet and chop off my wings, but this cooked duck is not staying.

Didn’t I tell you the huge snake had been bagged already? How come nobody knows of it before? Why did it especially pick on me? Is it jealous? or does it simply want to destroy?

Gossip is the only weapon of the weak. Wang Anyi says gossip is not even afraid of emperors.

The language also has phrases to describe such vicious tougues, or the act of wagging such vicious tongues: 三寸不烂之舌; 摇动三寸不烂之舌。蛇 (snake); 舌 (tongue)

If you pay slight attention, the two characters for snake and for tongue sound exactly the same, even their tones are the same.

Enigma sings: If you believe in God, that is because you have met the devil.

You never know one without comparison.

In comparison, life in China is not that bad. Not at all. Life in America is not that fantastic. Not at all.

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