如果有的女人想更不客气一点儿，就可以说： 你给我滚开！

我认为第二个选择更能表达我的感受。

女人不幸，碰上不要脸的男人，就可以用上这五个字：你给我滚开！滚得远远地。我永远不要见到你！

曾经读过王小波一篇随笔。别的我都忘记了。只记得他用的一个比喻。说一个醉汉，满嘴流着哈喇子，却想非礼智慧女神，恬着脸，大言不惭地胡言乱语，说，“我配得上她！我配得上她！”

王小波抑制不住他的鄙夷与不屑。

版权所有。牟仙凤。2011年3月17号。

I am in a different city right now. I expect to go back to Beijing, China very soon.

I always expect it to happen, the going-back, because times are not ready. You have so few people you can talk to.

This going back shall not be a simple going-back. So many things!

Reflection and projection are what I want to talk about today.

I wonder whether it is simplistic to say what one writes reflections what one thinks, most of the times.

I have noticed three types of behavior: Those that are black inside view everybody as being black inside; there that are both black and white tend to view others as black and white simultaneously too; those that are white swans inside tend to view others as being white swans, too.

Recently I was taken to see a movie titled Black Swan.

I do not comment anything at all about the director, regardless whether he is famous or not. That is not my focus for today.

I will only say a few words about the movie, impression-like. I do not want to become serious.

To be honest, I really do not like the movie, though it was kindly reminded that it portrayed the situation of ballet in the States. In order to succeed, and to succeed in this particular environment, you will have to be twisted in order to suit the viewing tastes of the audience. So, in a funny sense, the audience has really bought the privilege because if they do not like it, they can simply refuse to watch the movie.

The reason I do not like it assume everyone has to have two sides in them at the same time, the white swan and the black swan, poetically speaking.

Are there any occasions where one only has the white swan inside?  I do not know the answer but it won’t hurt to pose the question here.

I have seen human specimens who only have a white facade which hides complete darkness of their inner being. One confirmed human specimen wrecks more than enough damage to your life. Therefore, congratulate yourself if you haven’t met such a specimen.

They are the worst human beings in this world.

I have also been fortunate enough to have met those that contain both the White Swan and the black swan inside. Such people tell me that they are capable of doing great good but at the same time they are also capable of doing great badness.

Such people have extreme personalities. They do not allow one mistake to be made.

I do not know whether I belong to this type. It won’t hurt if I use one event in my life as an example to illustrate what I am trying to say. I think it is right to say I have extreme personalities but it is too wrong for others to say irresponsibly that I can do great badness.

Things are like this. I intend my dissertation to become a great good, doing great goodness for both the American culture and the Chinese culture. However, during the grotesque development of events surrounding it, I have been so enraged that I have made the decision that differs so markedly from my original intention: I have decided to take it all with me to China because right now it is my understanding that the U.S. culture is not ready for it. It will never be appropriately appreciated here as I want it to be appreciated.

I am so protective of my dissertation that once I know a chapter or some chapters of it have been stolen and used as exchange or payments for sexual favors between professors and female students, I do not blink, for I am prepared to kill, metaphorically speaking, in order to protect my dissertation.

Now, since I am ready to kill, to see the thief’s head be chopped off when they steal my dissertation and journal articles, should I be viewed as capable of doing great badness?

I don’t think so. I see nothing wrong when it comes to protecting my intellectual properties . Those that do not expect to my reactions and retaliations so strong and persistent should know beforehand that my dissertation and my other journal articles are forbidden fruit for others. Once they touch them, they are, according to the bible, going to die.

I have also been fortunate enough to see people who only have the white swan inside. Once a man tells me about his life, “It is a beautiful life.” For a man in his fifties or sixties to be able to say his life is beautiful is something to be proud over. How many people are able to say, when they are in their fifties or sixties, that their life is “beautiful?” I figure that the speaker must have lived a beautiful life. How incredible to be able to say that about one’s own life?

Therefore, I conclude there must be people who only have the white swan inside. The fact that most of the human specimens do not get to see a person with only the white swan inside does not mean such people do not exist. I try not to let my ignorance stand in my way. So it might not hurt for me to ask my readers  to do the same, to at least try if they cannot do it.

The only point I want to make is if you have blackness inside, do not automatically assume everybody else other than you also has the blackness and darkness inside of them. If you make the unfortunate mistake, you have projected your own blackness outside to other people that you are trying to see. In this case, your poor understanding shows nobody’s but your own darkness and ignorance.

That is also the reason why desire to go back to Beiing. So much for this.

All Rights reserved. Xianfeng Mou. March 6, 2011

It is a very hard question.

People back home, for me, people back in China, who haven’t experienced it as deeply, have had such a hard time understanding me when I tell them. They simply could not believe it.

Even people who work here, right on the U.S. soil, day in and day out, also had such a hard time understanding my story. That is impossible! They reacted. How could your entire dissertation by stolen and sold and your entire identity be stolen and not one U.S. government agency is doing investigation?

But I am leaving that aside today. I have talked about it for such a long time I am getting tired of the topic myself.

The image that I would use to capture my life at Purdue is like this: You are thrusted onto a battlefield, fighting a war you do not know and certainly you do not want to fight, with bullets and cannons rain down on you from anywhere, and then there are rows and rows of blades you have to walk through, if you are lucky enough to survive the showers of bullets. Furthermore, there are countless traps hidden here and there, so you need to keep alert of not falling into any of them.

Consider yourself lucky if you still have a little bit of you left, at the end of the journey.

Does every student have to give top-notch performance as if they were James Bond in a James Bond movie?

A movie is only for entertainment while your life is real.

Class, does anyone of you like to play James Bond in real life? pleas raise up your hand. But before raising your hand, be fully aware you may perish at every danger that jumps into your face.

No one?

Class is dismissed. Good-bye. No, farewell.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I am only a student who has worked half time and studied half time at Purdue University, for eight years. I sincerely apologize if I do not have thrilling spy stories to tell, which may have disappointed a lot of people whose imaginative power is either too developed or too underdeveloped.

Suddenly I remember what a writer wants to say when she says there once was a person glowing with light. Then some angels got angry so they chopped up this glowing person. Therefore, we became little mud balls, each possessing a song. And we try to find another one who has a song.

The lonesomeness!

The chopping angels! The Devil!

All Rights Reserved. Xianfeng Mou. Feb 2, 2011.

That is the intentional lie that I must correct, again and again. That is why I call it reinforced correction. Like you reinforce concrete with steel to make it stronger.

Those that have concocted the grand scheme of letting Peirui Su steal Xianfeng Mou’s identity and send Peirui Su to Johns Hopkins, as Xianfeng Mou, has contrived the scheme with the intention to permanently shut Xianfeng Mou down at Purdue. It makes me feel as if that mastermind intends to declare Xianfeng Mou their permanent property, private property in a certain sense, so that Mou can forever work for them, for free.

I have calculated how much value I have produced and brought Purdue in eight years, and the most conservative estimate is around 12 million to 15 million U.S. dollars.

I could act as the President of Purdue. Don’t you think so? Twelve million U.S. dollars means I am extremely valuable.

But I am not anybody’s private possession. I haven’t married any guy from Purdue. So Purdue does not have the right to declare me its private property.

I broke away from Purdue on June 30, 2010. On that day, Purdue drove me out of the Purdue apartment.

Now I am rather grateful that I broke away from Purdue, because if I had not, I would never receive my Copyright Registration Certificate for my dissertation.

And my dissertation is very valuable. Some say it might bring me one million U.S. dollars down the road.

I know one million U.S. dollars is so little compared to the 12 million U.S. dollars I have brought Purdue in eight years. But no matter how little it looks, one penny in my pocket is better than a ton of gold in other people’s pocket.

So I consider myself not utterly stupid. I am very stupid. But fortunately I have kept a little bit of wisdom.

Maybe in other matters, I have also kept a little wisdom with me.

In the spring semester of 2011, I am still refusing to work at Purdue. People keep talking about a Direct Deposit at the bank, I have never had the intention of resuming that direct deposit.

I am leaving. I have told you I have kept a little bit of wisdom.

To China I go.

As to Peirui Su, I expect she will have an extremely pleasant time at Johns Hopkins. I am sure she will enjoy it as long as it is enjoyable.

When it starts to get less enjoyable, consider herself warned beforehand.

When I started teaching English Composition 106 at Purdue, I felt as if everyday I was riddled with bullet holes. People paid money for their tuition; they wanted results. No one is stupid.

Every day it was a battle.

Peirui Su thinks she is going to coasting through it all nice and easy, simply by stealing my teaching files and everything else?

Something that is too good usually is not true.

When it is time for Peirui Su to cry, please hand her some napkins, will you?

All Rights Reserved. Xianfeng Mou. Feb 2, 2011

Welty must have been a goddess.

This is a top secret, I am telling you, because I loved you, once.

Farewell.

All Rights reserved. Xianfeng Mou. 1.27.2011

I like its music. Often you see comments containing the word “epic.” I guess those do crave for a sense of greatness, of impact, of power.

Here is a title called “The Mother of All Battles, subtitled Celestial Voyage. Here is the music.

The Mother of All Battles.

I do not have a clear idea about what exactly this piece of music contains.

But the listener can feel it is an epic battle between two forces, almost on all fronts where they engage each other.

It is an epic battle.

I think it might not be too far-fetched if I venture to tell that I have been dragged into a battle on all possible fronts. I say “dragged into the battles” because I did not enter it willingly.

I came, bringing peace and love and cooperation with me, or such intentions. However, due to weird twists of events, I have been forced to become a warrior, to battle all the lies that flew at me because it seems many around me think “She is too good to be true.”

It is beyond me to comprehend this, actually. Till today, I have a hard time why so many around me have been doing nothing but throwing packs of lies at me.

I did not go to sleep with many men while I was married. That was not allowed.

I did not go to sleep with many men while I became divorced. That was not allowed. You must sleep with men freely! They are telling me.

I did not sleep with professors to get teaching awards or fellowships. That was absolutely not permitted.

I did not sleep with professors and ask them to steal a classmate’s academic papers for me to publish. In fact, I have been the one whose academic papers often got stolen. That was not permitted.

I did not go to steal somebody’s money from their pocket. That was not permitted. YOU Shall Steal, reads the Commandament.

I did not sleep with professors and got sent to exotic cities such as Paris, Rome, or the Alps to skii and for sightseeing. That was absolutely not permitted. You Shall sleep and exchange.

Not only did I refuse to prostitute my body, I have also refused to prostitute my mind. By that, I mean I did not easily bow to somebody else’s ideas simply because they happen to be rich, or they happen to be powerful, or they happen to belong to the U.S. elite, or they happen to carry Caucasian blood and appearance. I do not succumb easily to other’s ideas unless I have tested the ideas to be true. This habit of mine is particularly intolerable, to many. I do not easily assume a U.S  writer to be superior to a writer from a so-called third world country. Such concepts as the first world or the second world or the third world are mere political coinage. They do not carry that much weight in cultural studies or in art. When I declare a Chinese writer has done a very good job, I back my claim with my textual and critical analyses of her achievements. Why should those petty-minded people mind the fact that the Chinese writer has done a very good job?

Not prostituting your mind is extremely important in your academic career, in your determination to be an intellectual who has the capability and courage to think things through. Even if you make mistakes and stumble, you can still feel proud of your mistakes because you made them independently. You are not led into that mistake and you do not have to blame others.

Honest mistakes are necessary steps along your road of development.

Otherwise, if you always listen to others’ ideas, but later you find the ideas do not work, whom are you going to blame? The person who presented the idea to you originally would refuse to take the blame. “I was only making a suggestion. You made the decision. It is your responsibility.”

What haven’t I done to incur other’s wrath?

I haven’t stolen a classmate’s dissertation, and lied to other universities that I wrote that classmate’s dissertation.

My dissertation was not only stole but also sold, for 360,000 dollars.

To conclude, I haven’t lied, prostituted, stolen other’s money, done drugs, engaged in poker gambling, stolen and sold other’s intellectual property, gorged myself to death on dinner invitations, slept with other wives’ husbands, made political frame-ups when I found their careers are progressing to a bright future, lied that the student did not have proper teaching experience when that student had done nothing but the proper teaching, and on and on.

Since I have been persecuted so severely for four years, sometimes I start asking myself, “Am I too good to be true? or Am I really that good that I incur the wrath of so many around me?”

I have never regarded myself extraordinary. I have always regarded myself an average person, of average level of intelligence. If things have changed in recent years, I haven’t realized it.

Then how come many around me have acted so strangely? They take me to be their mortal enemy.

I guess comparison holds the key. It is because I am in different environments.

When I say I have regarded myself as an ordinary person, I was in a different environment.

When I say now I have suddenly become exceptional, I am in a completely new environment. People expect different things from me while I am in these two different environments.

In the former, I was demanded to perform the best.

In the latter, since I am an alien, I was expected to perform the poorest. Since  I did not give the poorest performance, it was not understood or tolerated.

And then the feud between the mother and the snake commenced.

Do you know why God punished the snake to crawl on his belly all his life? I have recently realized God punished the snake not because the snake enticed Eve to eat what is forbidden, but because the snake lied, and more importantly, the snake lied on purpose. Everybody knows that the snake was once an angel. The snake knows perfectly all the rules that should not be broken, but the snake deliberately lied to Eve telling her she can do what God has forbidden her to do.

And that is why the snake is especially hideous, and that is why God has become so angry that he condemns the snake to crawl on his belly his entire life; and that women will always beat the snake whenever they see through him.

I am not a religious person. But I bring in what happens in the spiritual realm into my understanding.

Has anyone ever realized how severely God has punished the Snake? Most of us consider ourselves human beings, so we can see around in our world from a fairly high position, gaining a fairly complete view of what is around us.

But due to God’s punishment, the snake’s perspective is extremely limited. The world is too large for the snake. The snake can never hope to fly in the sky and gain a bird’s eye view of the world.

That limited perspective is God’s punishment for the snake. If you still do not believe my line of argument, imagine whether the eagle is willing to exchange its perspective with the snake.

The eagle sees a lot, because it is flying.

The snake sees too little, because it is only crawling on the ground.

Is the snake able to deter the eagle from flying? My answer is “probably not.” The snake cannot prevent the eagle from flying.

But fi the two have been engaged in fighting, that is difficult to predict.

Nobody says the eagle might not get hurt.

Do you notice the title for the music is “Celestial Voyage?” It is a celestial voyage for the mother, but the snake is lying in every step of her way, so she has no choice but to carry out an epic battle against the snake!

You will have a good sense of the battle when you listen to the music. Notice it is called mother of all battles. So it is a battle between a woman and the snake.

But the snake still carries the sexual temptation with it.

The snake is determined to seduce the woman with sexual temptation and lies. The woman is determined to defeat the snake, and kill him if possible.

Have a safe trip!

All rights reserved. Xianfeng Mou. 1.23.2011

I do not remember that much. But I do remember Wen-Ho Lee was a nuclear scientist from Taiwan who was working in a famous nuclear research Lab when it happened.

He was a very established nuclear scientist when it happened. If I remember it correctly, he had lived in the United States for decades and decades when it blown up.

He was accused by a ghost voice and a ghostly entity of stealing nuclear technology and passing it  not on to Taiwan but to the Chinese Mainland.

The ghostly accusation lingered on for two years. And it did not produce any result. It just died.

Of course the accusation was just a pack of lies!

Compared to Wen-Ho Lee, I should consider myself lucky.

I only stayed in the country for eight years! And I know whey they made similar political frame-ups. In my case, I knew they stole and sold my one million dollar dissertation, so they made up such political frame-ups to glorify their evil and despicable stealing of my dissertation.

My dissertation is monumentally good, so they have to make monumental, political lies.

But Wen-Ho Lee was roasted over the fire for only two years! I have been roasted over the fire for four years!

It is my guess that Wen-Ho Lee was about to make some significant discovery in his research and work. His colleague, the ghost who made and started up Lee’s spying for the Chinese Mainland, knew about it and did not like Lee to make the discovery.

So here started the blow up.

Lee must have known whom that ghost is. I am 100 precent sure he knew in his heart whom that ghost is.

Did he keep his silence? Has he never said directly who the ghost is? Is he still keeping his silence?

I did not keep silence. Since they stole my dissertation and my identity, I have to expose them before I can have an opportunity to get both back.

My dissertation is mine! My identity is mine!

I do not care for a job, at here.

All Rights Reserved! Xianfeng Mou. Jan 22, 2011

Oh, yes, the FBI repeatedly refused to investigate.

Because of what? Because Ross has stolen my unprecedented dissertation for the United States? Who is he fooling? He is not even fooling me, whom does he think he can fool?

Where has all the money gone? Has he turned in all the 360,000 dollars to the country and say, “I have done this for the country, possibly placing his hand on his heart?”

Give me a break!!

So what? They are both wanted, dead or alive!

I am not sure whether Ross can be ruled in.

But I can say 100 percent sure that Peirui Su is wanted by the Chinese, dead or alive.

She must be killed, before I can regain my freedom, my throne, and my laureate.

Peirui Su is wanted, dead or alive!

I have never changed my faith that she will be knocked out of Johns Hopkins University. I do not even care the whole country is covering it up for her.

If the sky over the United States is falling, I am calling on the Chinese to come and hold it up, not for the country, but for me.

And Peirui Su is out! I can see it with my own eyes.

You do not get to humiliate me when I should laugh across the entire country! I am knocking each and every one of them down with my dissertation, my teaching, and my research!

I am sorry, but you still do not get to have your pleasure!!

***

I have never shifted in my belief that Peirui Su will be knocked out of Johns Hopkins University.

After she is out, I will go back. I have applied to almost all the leading U.S. universities. Ross “took” all my jobs and gave them to the women who slept with him.

It does not matter. I have metaphorically walked through all of them, except one.

It seems in the entire country only Yale has remained a pure venue of high education where the values of higher education have been kept alive.

There is still hope. One should never lose one’s hope.

After Peirui Su is out of Johns Hopkins, I will keep nothing from this complicated developments of my phd career. I will keep only one item, as a commemoration.

It was a Western suit I bought in 1998 when I went to take part in the Fortune 500 economic meeting. In 1998, that suit cost me 770.00 yuan.

I promise I will keep it hanging by the door. If not, I will keep that suit always hang by my mental door every day I go in and go out.

How is it possible? I keep asking myself that the entire country is willing to tell untrue things simply because a so-called professor stole a student’s dissertation and her identity and sold both, twice, for merely 360,000 dollars!

It is not one million U.S. dollars! Even my Chinese professor scoffed at the paltry sum of money that the thefts have produced.

Once Peirui Su is out of Johns Hopkins, everything will fall like a domino effect!

Charles Ross can fool everybody in the world, except one. That is me! Because he cannot fool me, he cannot fool the Chinese back at home!

If he has wanted to steal my dissertation and present it as the glorious end to his career, well, he has thought the wrong thoughts, did the wrong deeds, planned the wrong plans, and slept with too many women he should not have slept with, stole too many of my job opportunities that he should not have stolen; told too many lies that he should not told.

Congratulations! He is probably invited to his own beheading, metaphorically speaking, of course!

Doesn’t he and his beloved mistresses Peirui Su and Cong Yin both professed how they loved Ross’s beloved Nabokov?

Nabokov? In my opinion, he is  the worst kind of writer, for one simple reason: his thoughts are very cruel!

This alone has put him permanently out of the the first rank of writers!

It is not coincidence that Ross and Peirui Su are extremely cruel, both in their thoughts and in their actions. These both never blink when they fire at the back of their targets’ head, when they demolish the bridge they are crossing just one plank behind their heels, when they steal and slander and murder ruthlessly.

Everybody shall watch out!

Don’t blink when it happens!

I have my promise. I was given a promise that justice will be done!

Are you shivering in your shoes, every day, not sure where the revenge will begin?

All Rights Reserved! Xianfeng Mou. Jan 22, 2011.

Xianfeng Mou’s Latest Web News Release–Silence of the Slaughtered Lamb

牟仙凤最新网络新闻发布

From: Xianfeng Mou (牟仙凤)

Re: All Purdue Complit Phd Graduates (2007-10) Should be fired from their University jobs, because their Program Director Charles Ross stole the jobs for them from Xianfeng Mou

普度大学比较文学专业2007至2010年度所有博士毕业生应全部开除其大学教职；他们的工作全部是查尔斯∙罗斯系主任偷窃的牟仙凤的工作申请

a. Liang Ying at Beijing Foreign Studies University, perhaps 2008, one million yuan

梁颖，北京外国语大学，约2008 年，价值一百万人民币

b. Xu Dongmei, at China Foreign Affairs University, through Mou’s connection with the University, for Mou got her Master’s degree there, perhaps 2008, one million yuan

许冬梅，通过牟仙凤与中国外交学院的关系，得到中国外交学院教职，约2008 年， 价值一百万人民币

c. Wu Shaojing at University of International Business and Economics, 2010, one million yuan

武绍静，对外经济贸易大学，2010年， 价值一百万人民币

d. Su Peirui, at Johns Hopkins University (Ross stole Xianfeng Mou’s doctoral dissertation, identity, and tenure-track job for Peirui Su, because he considers Su his best mistress, 2010, three million U.S. dollars.)

苏沛睿，约翰斯∙霍普金斯大学，2010年，价值三百万美元，因为苏在其论文导师罗斯大盗的帮助下同时偷窃了牟仙凤的博士论文，移民身份，和教职，故价值三百万美元。苏是罗斯最满意的情妇。故厚待。

e. Yin Cong, perhaps at “China in the World,” a joint program held by Princeton and Harvard, (Since she is considered beautiful and sleeps more than willingly, Ross would give her a better deal, 2010. One million U.S. dollars.)

尹从, 大概在普林斯顿大学与哈佛大学合办的“中国在世界”博士后研究项目，2010年，价值一百万美元.

f. Liao Yilin, perhaps at “Minority Literature in Transit” University of California at Los Angeles (Ross treats her very nicely since she always leans on him. She is too small for Ross to abuse physically. 2010, One million U.S. dollars.)

廖依琳，约在加利福尼亚大学，洛杉机分校，“变化中的少数文学” mellon 博士后项目，2010年， 价值一百万美元

g. Tu Chao-Mei from Taiwan, George Washington University, 2010, One million U.S. dollars.

杜昭梅，约在乔治∙华盛顿大学，2010年， 价值一百万美元

h. Xiong yu-wen, from Taiwan, University of California at Irvine 2007, and perhaps again at Swarthmore College in 2008. I think I applied to Swarthmore College in 2008. I am not too sure since it was such a long while ago. One million U.S. dollars.)

熊玉雯，起先是加利福尼亚大学， Irvine 分校，后转至斯渥斯摩尔学院，约2008， 价值一百万美元

i. Al-wazedi, Umme, not from Ross’s Comparative literature Program, but from the Department of English. Ross took my Kate Chopin paper for the literary contest and gave it to Umme for her to publish, because Umme was Professor Hughes’s student. She was given a job in April 2008. Ross prevented Mou from publishing this paper from 2004 to December 2009. Mou was only allowed to publish it on December 7, 2009, and Ross still stole a copy of this paper for Peirui Su. One million U.S. dollars.

Al-wazedi, Umme 根本不是罗斯比较文学方向的学生，但罗斯偷窃了牟仙凤送交参加“普度文学竞赛”的有关凯特∙肖邦的学术论文，让Umme去发表。Umme 因此在2008 年得到一份美国教职。 价值一百万美元。 Umme是休斯教授的学生。

罗斯从2004至2009一直阻止牟发表这篇论文。2009 年十二月，牟准备好了新论文后，罗斯又把牟的新论文偷给了苏沛睿。

Each of the U.S. jobs can be regarded as one million U.S. dollars. Each of the Chinese jobs can be one million yuan.

The Johns Hopkins job is woth three million U.S. dollars because of Ross stole Mou’s dissertation, identity (which is possibly U.S. citizenship), and tenure-track job opportunity for Peirui Su.

每份美国教职工资价值约为一百万美元；每份中国教职工资价值约为一百万人民币。

约翰斯∙霍普金斯大学教职总价值为三百万美元因为罗斯同时为苏偷窃了牟的获奖博士论文，牟的移民身份，可能是美国公民身份（主要因为其论文绝世无双），以及牟的终身制教职。

The salaries of all the jobs are estimated at 8,430,000 U.S. dollars.

所有工作工资价值总计约八百四十三万美元， 2007－2010。

牟还曾在2009 年得到过纽约大学 (New York University) 教职一份，该工作机会也被罗斯杀死。

牟也曾先后两次申请过明尼苏达大学 (University of Minnesota) 一份教职，也非常适合她，两次均被罗斯杀死。

Note:

Mou is only not so sure which student went to which job, but all the jobs were what she had applied to from 2007 to 2010. She applied to all these jobs and Ross had stolen all of them for his other students who willingly slept with him.

Till today, Jan 22, 2011, Mou has refused to sleep with Ross this huge snake. Mou also warns other female students to stay away from Ross permamently, for he has killed all the women through sexual violence.

提示：

牟惟一不太确定的是哪个学生去了那份工作。但所有这些工作都是她2007到2010 年间申请的。罗斯系主任把这些工作都偷给了，送给了与其发生性关系的学生。

截至2011年1 月22日，牟仍然拒绝给于罗斯性方便。牟同时提醒其它女学生远离罗斯这条巨蛇，因为他用性暴力杀死了这些女学生。

All Rights Reserved. Xianfeng Mou. January 22, 2011.

Many who engage in Cultural Studies, Philosophy, and Gender Studies know Judith Butler’s book, Bodies That Matter, has been very influential in the field.

However, today I do not plan to enter into high academic rhetoric or debate. It is better I use the word “rhetoric” than “debate,” because the former is neutral while the latter carries the implied meaning of an argument. Where there is an argument, there is a heated argument. Where there is a heated argument, there is the possibility that the participants will lose their rationality.

By that, I mean they can become irrational, which in everyday language means they go nuts and they can never be reached anymore. The only choice after that is to leave them alone and leave them.

By “bodies that matter,” Judith Butler means bodies on multiple levels.

Today I want to talk a little bit about the personal body, the social body, perhaps the economic body, the cultural body, the ethnic body (but not the racial body, for I intensely dislike the term ‘race’), and the respected body.

I know I am not following Judith Butler’s line of argument, for she has started from the primary concern arising out of her book’s cutlural matrix by focusing on the sexed body.

I have to reread her book if I want to engage that line.

I only want to draw a few lines from my own experience, from things that happen everyday.

First off, the personal body, the private body. I have been admonished for being selfish, even narcissistic by very learned people, many of whom that I highly respect. I have a very hard time coming to terms with the words “selfish,” and “narcissistic,” because I firmly believe I am neither selfish nor narcisstic.

How can you be so sure? Some people simply love to challenge me, even if they do not know how to carry the argument. You can never lose by posing questions, they think. Once I pose questions, she has to answer and she has to answer well.

I am a woman. I haven’t forgotten that.

I tend to consider others’ interests before I consider my own interests. That demonstrates I am not selfish.

I also tend to love others a little bit more than I love myself, in all three cases. That proves I am not narcisstic, for by narcisstic, we know that person loves him or herself so much that they cannot do anything except admiring their own image in the water or in the mirror, falling in love with themselves, and eventually die of that.

I have never done that. I am not falling in love with myself and eventually die of that.

The U.S. culture is founded on too much self-love and too much self-interests.

Self-love and self-respect carry completely different meanings.

For an individual and a culture to become great, the individual and the cutlure has to break through the hardened walls of self-love.

I highly recommend those who understand painting to search and take a look at a series of paintings titled “The Progress of Self-Love.” I have forgotten the artist’s name. His name is in my files, but I really do not want to go and search this time.

He is young but extremely sagacious.

When I say I tend to love others a little bit more than I love myself, I have proofs. In the first case, it is I who flew over half the globe, in a plane for 13 hours, and sometimes for 30 hours, if there were connecting flights, to go and visit the man. After three trips, I ended the relationship. Why? The man is too selfish. He could not make one trip to maintain the relationship. He has no desire to keep the relationship. Why should I bother?

On one of the trips, I was so tired for having sat for 30 hours, after the most trying, an almost suicidal semester, I simply could not sit anymore. I would lie down on any surface, if I could, if I did not consider that I am an educated lady, that I should not lie down on my luggage when there were not enough seats in the airports.

The man thought his body mattered too much, compared to my body. He could not tire his own body.

I could not always tire my own body so that he did not have to tire his body.

I said good-bye to him, permanently.

That was a marriage.

Regarding the second man, please be ware this has never been classified as “a relationship,” because “relationship” carries a special meaning in the United States, meaning it is often a sexual relationship or a relationship between a girlfriend and a boyfriend, which still carries the sexual involvement, the same imbalance, and extreme imbalance, still happened.

It has only been a relationship regarding work and profession. It has never progressed into a so-called romantic relationship because one side is not available.

I never trouble or touch a man if he is not available. It is too much trouble. I am extremely lazy when it comes to those kind of things. I simply do not have the patience and stupidity to wait for a man to “become free,” for I am skeptical about a man’s promise of leaving his wife and entering into another marriage.

Between words and actions, I tend to stress actions more than I stress words. Some people have promised me a ton of promises. After a few years, that ton of promises of his end up zero. A ton of promises does not worth a cent, be it a U.S. cent or a Chinese cent.

It is fortunate I have never relied on such empty promises.

Such stupidity on women’s side exist anytime, anywhere.

I have told you I am an educated lady, so I know a little bit about life, not very much, just a little bit.

I have got my doctoral degree, a real solid one, one that you can hammer 10,000 times if you so wish and you will see it still retains the same luster, in a U.S. university. Besides, I take my own standards as a measurement of my achievements, for I haven’t succumbed to a low standard if everybody around decides that is the preferable benchmark. So I can safely regard myself as “an educated lady” without secretly being laughed at, even under sleeves.

The second man turns out to be much much worse than the first, for his only interest is to milk as much values out of me as possible. He could not even pretend he loved me. His interests have always been stealing my money, stealing my intellectual property, stealing my job application files, stealing my jobs, stealing my social reputation, stealing my credit card numbers, and my credit history. Pretty much everything you can think of, he steals.

My rough estimation is that from 2007 to 2010, the second man has made about 13 million  U.S. dollars from me in direct and indirect social benefits, social reputation, and personal monetary gains. This is a very reserved estimate, for I am not that good at calculating how much value I have produced in these four years.

Thirteen million U.S. dollars is a lot of money. Wouldn’t you agree? Wouldn’t you agree if a person has made thirteen million U.S. dollars of values, the person deserves a very good, respected life?

Of course, that has never happened.

So, what choice do I have? I throw the man over the wall and tell him to “get lost” and never show his despicable face before me.

How come I have not learned from my lessons from the first man that I threw away that I have to go and make similar mistakes again?

There is the possibility of a third man showing up. The strange thing about him maybe he might have been the first there but he has never made himself known to me. This man may be the one I have been searching for, all this time.

Life is very strange.

What do I want? If I treasure myself, and if I love a man, I will treasure him and tell him to be careful, not to get hurt. There is nothing wrong with treasuring yourself. If you love yourself and you can extend your love to others, there is nothing wrong with that healty degree of self-love. If you respect yourself, and you extend your self respect towards others, it is a quality that deserves celebration.

For everything, there is always a healthy degree and an unhealty degree. Too much of anything is not good. Balance is the key.

One simple wisdom in life is if you love a man or a woman, you always want a formal marriage, because that is the highest celebration, the highest praise, you give to each other. All kinds of other relationships exist, but none of them can compare with a marriage, no matter how beautifully the man talks that a less-than-marriage is the best choice. No woman should be that stupid as to believe the less-than-marriage option.

Truth is always ridiculously simple.

Of course, I want a marriage, a marriage that both sides complement each other, a marriage of mutual love, respect, understanding, and support.

Isn’t that requirement too high to reach? It is almost impossible to find!

Why should you be so narrow-minded? Why should you ask so little from life?

When possible, I always ask for what is best from life, the best possibility, the best life, the best man, the best career, and the best environment. I give the best, so I am fully entitled to ask for the best in return.

If you always start from the lowest common denominator, you can never get anything good from life.

I am entitled to the best. I firmly believe so. If others are jealous, let them be jealous. What do I care about their envy and jealousy?

It is not bad to be very picky, in some things, in all things if you can afford to.

All of my bodies–my personal body, my cultural body, my economic body, my ethnic body, and my social body–are extremely valuable.

Isn’t that nice?

All rights reserved. Xianfeng Mou. 1.22.2011