XianfengMou'sClass09Fall

很久以来，一直在想，说什么可以简要地概括我的感受。思来想去，竟然发现是很简单的五个字：你给我走开！

如果有的女人想更不客气一点儿，就可以说： 你给我滚开！

我认为第二个选择更能表达我的感受。

女人不幸，碰上不要脸的男人，就可以用上这五个字：你给我滚开！滚得远远地。我永远不要见到你！

曾经读过王小波一篇随笔。别的我都忘记了。只记得他用的一个比喻。说一个醉汉，满嘴流着哈喇子，却想非礼智慧女神，恬着脸，大言不惭地胡言乱语，说，“我配得上她！我配得上她！”

王小波抑制不住他的鄙夷与不屑。

版权所有。牟仙凤。2011年3月17号。

It has been a long time since I have had the desire to write something, again.

I am in a different city right now. I expect to go back to Beijing, China very soon.

I always expect it to happen, the going-back, because times are not ready. You have so few people you can talk to.

This going back shall not be a simple going-back. So many things!

Reflection and projection are what I want to talk about today.

I wonder whether it is simplistic to say what one writes reflections what one thinks, most of the times.

I have noticed three types of behavior: Those that are black inside view everybody as being black inside; there that are both black and white tend to view others as black and white simultaneously too; those that are white swans inside tend to view others as being white swans, too.

Recently I was taken to see a movie titled Black Swan.

I do not comment anything at all about the director, regardless whether he is famous or not. That is not my focus for today.

I will only say a few words about the movie, impression-like. I do not want to become serious.

To be honest, I really do not like the movie, though it was kindly reminded that it portrayed the situation of ballet in the States. In order to succeed, and to succeed in this particular environment, you will have to be twisted in order to suit the viewing tastes of the audience. So, in a funny sense, the audience has really bought the privilege because if they do not like it, they can simply refuse to watch the movie.

The reason I do not like it assume everyone has to have two sides in them at the same time, the white swan and the black swan, poetically speaking.

Are there any occasions where one only has the white swan inside?  I do not know the answer but it won’t hurt to pose the question here.

I have seen human specimens who only have a white facade which hides complete darkness of their inner being. One confirmed human specimen wrecks more than enough damage to your life. Therefore, congratulate yourself if you haven’t met such a specimen.

They are the worst human beings in this world.

I have also been fortunate enough to have met those that contain both the White Swan and the black swan inside. Such people tell me that they are capable of doing great good but at the same time they are also capable of doing great badness.

Such people have extreme personalities. They do not allow one mistake to be made.

I do not know whether I belong to this type. It won’t hurt if I use one event in my life as an example to illustrate what I am trying to say. I think it is right to say I have extreme personalities but it is too wrong for others to say irresponsibly that I can do great badness.

Things are like this. I intend my dissertation to become a great good, doing great goodness for both the American culture and the Chinese culture. However, during the grotesque development of events surrounding it, I have been so enraged that I have made the decision that differs so markedly from my original intention: I have decided to take it all with me to China because right now it is my understanding that the U.S. culture is not ready for it. It will never be appropriately appreciated here as I want it to be appreciated.

I am so protective of my dissertation that once I know a chapter or some chapters of it have been stolen and used as exchange or payments for sexual favors between professors and female students, I do not blink, for I am prepared to kill, metaphorically speaking, in order to protect my dissertation.

Now, since I am ready to kill, to see the thief’s head be chopped off when they steal my dissertation and journal articles, should I be viewed as capable of doing great badness?

I don’t think so. I see nothing wrong when it comes to protecting my intellectual properties . Those that do not expect to my reactions and retaliations so strong and persistent should know beforehand that my dissertation and my other journal articles are forbidden fruit for others. Once they touch them, they are, according to the bible, going to die.

I have also been fortunate enough to see people who only have the white swan inside. Once a man tells me about his life, “It is a beautiful life.” For a man in his fifties or sixties to be able to say his life is beautiful is something to be proud over. How many people are able to say, when they are in their fifties or sixties, that their life is “beautiful?” I figure that the speaker must have lived a beautiful life. How incredible to be able to say that about one’s own life?

Therefore, I conclude there must be people who only have the white swan inside. The fact that most of the human specimens do not get to see a person with only the white swan inside does not mean such people do not exist. I try not to let my ignorance stand in my way. So it might not hurt for me to ask my readers  to do the same, to at least try if they cannot do it.

The only point I want to make is if you have blackness inside, do not automatically assume everybody else other than you also has the blackness and darkness inside of them. If you make the unfortunate mistake, you have projected your own blackness outside to other people that you are trying to see. In this case, your poor understanding shows nobody’s but your own darkness and ignorance.

That is also the reason why desire to go back to Beiing. So much for this.

All Rights reserved. Xianfeng Mou. March 6, 2011